The creative element of the blog ("What creative element, Cali?") is temporarily in limbo (who's limbo, Foxy?).
In the meantime, I just finished watching tonight's Daily Show - the only consistently excellent TV show in a lake of pond scum. Tonight's guest was Robert F. kennedy Jr., who seeks to increase awareness about the danger of childhood vaccination. In particular he points toward a "scientifically proven" link between the use of thimerosal (mercury) based vaccines and autism, which he claims to account for frightening increase in autism incidence in kids over the last twenty or so years. As I've discussed before, the increasing rate of autism diagnosis is truly alarming, but there simply is no good scientific evidence, as far as I'm aware, that it's linked to thimerosal-based vaccination. The simple fact that autism and autism spectrum disorder diagnoses are continuing to skyrocket, while thimerosal-based vaccines have been used for more than twenty years, argues against a causative link.
People need someone or something to blame for that which they don't understand and which hurts them; mercurial vaccines seem to be the moslem vehicles of the medical world. There's no doubt in my mind that Kennedy's heart is in the right place, and research should still be rigorously applied to the possible link between vaccines and autism, but such strident rhetoric can only deflect from real research into the causes of these disturbing developmental disorders.
After quite a few weeks, and one postponement, I saw my therapist today; 9 am appointment, as usual arrived at 9.30 with an excuse. It was a short session to catch up with a few weeks of being "off schedule". I explained, or excused, myself about the wedding trip and pointed our upcoming trip to Vegas this weekend (we have an old friend staying - we're driving there). Bottom line? Back on schedule next Sunday or we talk about detox. It is a very scary prospect for me.
K. asked me again about how I would feel living without alcohol. Out of the blue I mentioned a few blogger friends (not by name!) who were bipolar. The descriptions I've read from them of being bipolar and off the meds, and the reluctance to go back on the meds seem to mirror so closely what I can only imagine it will be like to live without alcohol. It should be no surprise, after all, addiction and psychological disorders are controlled by the relative levels of certain neurotransmitters (fuck you, Tom Cruise!) It's the sense of loss, the feeling you'll never experience THAT feeling again. But, more than anything, its about being prepared to endure the unendurable lows for those ephemeral highs. Or is it? Let me know, hee hee hee!
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10 comments:
admittedly, i don't know your background with alcohol. i do know that it fueled many many a night high or low for me.
there's some statistic that bipolars will typically go on and off medication 6 times before they decide for certain which way to go. i've done my 6 (probably more than 6), and finally decided that it was time to make a permanent change in my life. it took a lot of thinking, it wasn't a fun decision to arrive at, and there's still a bit of baggage attached. i've only been good about it for about 2 years now, but. but i do it.
and i do miss the highs, i do miss the wild, electric creativity that i had then. if i could resurrect some of my writing from those days, you wouldn't recognize it as mine.
so here's my choice to make: being absurdly inventive, or being "normal"? i'll work harder to make my writing good, and revise revise revise..but i like the control and the peace i have now being relatively free from the swings.
and again, i'm not one to push people to make any certain choice..like i told owl, it's a choice, and with meds, you don't lose yourself, you get to learn who you are again. (ohh this comment is long, apologies) so just do what you think is right. don't be afraid of losing something, because there is plenty to be found.
I am bipolar and not on meds and I will probably never again go on anything that cuts my highs. However, I must say that my mood range is not as severe as my mother's was and I have thanked God for the intervention of drugs during her episodes. I was in love with alcohol. Giving it up left me feeling discombobulated. I think that's the first time I have ever used that word and it fits. But, I have to say, it was worth the confusion, rage, anger, sweats, shakes, vague and boring depression, boredom, cravings, hate, contempt and resentment. Because I embraced it all and had faith that it would get better. It did.
I had to readjust to my life and it was worth it. This is way before Ophelia, so you can't say that is was because I had her little joyous body bouncing around.
Sobriety isn't just getting sober and living without alcohol. It's a whole new and beautiful mindset that the drinker doesn't have.
Follow your heart on this one and listen to it's reason. No one grows up wanting to be addicted. You'll fare well. I bet you are amazing.
I am sure all of us have our relationship with addictions...mine has been indirect, through my brother. I think Penny is right though-Sober is not just life without alcohol, it is a whole new way of looking at and percieving the world. It is not easy though, and if it is what you decide you need to do, I wish you the "best of luck", for lack of a better term. Either way you have some unconditional, annonymous support here. Goddess bless the internet!!
Coming from someone whose family is filled with alcoholism, let me just say that while it may be harder for you for awhile without alcohol, it's much harder for those around you when you have alcohol.
Those of my friends who have stopped drinking say they miss the euphoric feeling or extreme emotion they experience while drinking. However, they don't miss the regrets, mistakes, and the lows that are usually a part of it as well.
May you make the right decision for you in your personal situation, and may those around you offer their support throughout your efforts.
Thanks Trina - I know you're right about affecting the lives of those around - especially my wife!
I know a few bi-polar people. A few function fine with their meds, others refuse to take them because of the way it makes them feel.
I also know quite a few heavy drinkers.
Some quit and are much more fun to be around now.
Some quit and I wish they would take a damn drink already.
If you're not hurting anyone else, do what makes you happy.
If drinking makes you happy, i say have a drink.
If it's hurting someone you love, you might give it a couple days and see how it goes without a drink.
Then decide.
steve..thank you. and i think STN has the right idea. take sobriety for a test drive, see how it goes..
I've always perceived alchohol to be the more socially acceptable addiction to have...that and smoking....though they both seem to be the most difficult ones for people to give up, probably due in part to that social acceptance.
My own personal highs and addictions have come from the less trodden (and less legal) path of substance abuse. I've been squeaky clean from those vices for nearly 2 years and I still miss the creative focus and energy I had when I was using. I LOVED the highs and accepted the lows as part of the whole experience. I was a fully fuctional, employed addict who had worked my highs and lows into my daily life. During that time I truly believed I had things under control...(though my friends knew better, right, Pen?)
I feel lucky that I've been able to quit before it got too rough and live my life clean. I endured a few serious bouts of craving and mental exhaustion for awhile...but it's better now and I'm happier and healthier for it. I've been able to re-establish my own boundaries again with a clear mind.
I still miss the effect of feeling vibrant and interesting and energetic...but I realized that I've always had those qualities; they're just softer and more subdued - more me.
If I may be so bold...A suggestion to reframe your concern of that sense of loss you may feel: Think of sobriety as another way to seek definition to your world by exploring the edges of it.
Just my story and 2 cents. Good luck with whatever you decide. My thoughts are with you.
Drinking is just so different for everyone at different times. But someone who is alcoholic has very different needs to someone who is alcohol dependent.
Many people will disagree with me on this, and that's fine. I'm only going by my experience, and that's only what my skinny eyes have seen. Still, it seems to me that there are those who have learned to lean on alcohol, and those for whom life is dependent on alcohol. I don't think that you, cali, are the latter.
I am not saying that using alcohol as a crutch is somehow superior to alcoholism. I am saying that it is something, I think, that needs to be dealt with differently. The alcoholic, for example, needs the AA. The alcohol dependent, however, might be helped by the AA, but is as likely to be helped by fishing if that is their interest.
So, do you like to fish? :)
STN, AA again, Leah and Spirit - thank you so much for your kind, thoughtful and supportive comments.
Sorry I'm not responding to each in turn, but I decided that the best way to respond to all the comments here and to address issues brought up, not necessarily just those about myself, would be to post about them in some kind of context.
Since STN requested it in a comments section recently, maybe I'll start with the "Sid Vicious story". Its not really the origin, but at least it may serve as a launchpad, a starting point that could result in disaster or discovery.
Coming soon.
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